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September 3rd, 2014 - RavenWings' Nest — LiveJournal
Just a crow shy of a murder, my dear...
I really, really need advice, guys.

My relationship with my fiancee might be on its last legs.  Dying a death of a thousand cuts from tiny little frustrations that we haven't talked about because we thought they would pass.  We're finally talking about them and working our way to fixing our problems (it's taken me  weeks to write this, because we keep having good days and I fool myself into thinking I was overreacting), so if we DO manage to work this stuff out we may end up better than ever.

Don't get me wrong, I still love him, I still enjoy his company when we're doing the things that brought us together in the first place (games and nerding out with mutual friends), he still gives me warm fuzzies when he holds my hand or snuggles up to me in the morning.  But the spaces in between the good moments are getting... not longer, but definitely harsher, and I am very afraid it might already be too late to save us.

The grand narrative, at least from my standpoint, is this:

I've been deeply unhappy with how my life has been going for something like two years now (momentary distractions that fool me into thinking things are getting on track notwithstanding), and every time I try to talk to him about it he gets really angry because all he hears is me laying a guilt trip on him.  To what end I'd be doing that, I don't know.  Usually, I'm just trying to explain why I'm being lethargic and weepy, although I admit sometimes I'm explaining why I want him to fix my car...

Related: One of the big reasons I moved in with him when I did, rather than staying in Madison to sort out post-college me and get my career started before I tried to learn how to cohabitate with someone, was because he promised to fix up his car so I could look for theatre work in Madison AND Milwaukee, seeing as he lived halfway between the two.  Nearly three years and an entirely different car with my name on the registration later, I still don't have a functional vehicle.  I spent well over $1,000 and declined to return to a seasonal job so I could go to the 2013 USITT conference in an effort to kickstart/breathe life back into my theatre career, and was completely unable to follow up on that investment because no car...  And, of course, he seriously resents that investment, because from his perspective I just spent over a grand on a weekend of nothing in particular instead of continuing to pay off my student loans without his help (understandable, really - in hindsight, we probably would have been much better off if I'd just taken the money and bought a car that worked).

He also seems to resent that my business hasn't become an instant success, and he has straight up TOLD me that he thinks it's ridiculous for me to spend the first half of my day working on my computer (ie, social media wrangling, tweaking price lists, researching construction techniques and new product ideas and sizing standards, writing copy for my Etsy store, etc.) instead of sewing things... as if a stack of premade clothes will magically generate money for an unadvertised custom clothes business.  Although, really, the problem is that he doesn't trust that all those tasks actually take half the day and I'm really just sipping coffee and playing games on my phone and/or computer all morning... I, of course, resent his suspicion, and fear that no matter how successful I become or how hard I work, that suspicion will always be there for as long as I'm working at home (or only working out of home part time).

Needless to say, money is getting tight, and I've been looking for a day job, which is something I wish I didn't have to do, but I accept as a consequence of not being an instant success (I've almost got the business set up to the point where I'll have time for other things/a real job)...  Except I can't apply for anything I might actually be good at or enjoy, because I'm stuck either within walking distance or on a schedule that lets him drop me off.  Which brings us back to the car thing.

I know it sounds like I'm blaming the potential end of a four-year mostly-happy relationship on a car, but I'm not.  That would be stupid.  The car is just a fetish, a bit of phlebotinum that I like to pretend would have prevented the real problems from becoming big enough to break us, a focus for the resentment I feel.

It's the resentment that's the real problem.  The car on my side, the business on his.  There are so many other things, too.  We BOTH resent that I've become totally dependent on him - him because supporting both of us financially me